How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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