I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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