Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
