It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
