im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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