He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
