Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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