Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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