totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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