my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
