Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
