I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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