Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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