I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
FUCK WHALES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
