Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
