I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
