Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
