Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
