well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
