summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
