i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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