I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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