Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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