it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
