I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
