I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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