just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
