So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She bit a glass in half.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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