a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
