I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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