The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
