I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
