i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
