I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
