Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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