I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
