I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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