3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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