omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
