Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
