i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
