It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
