I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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