If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
