Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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