allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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