i love accidental penises.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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