Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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