No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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