Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
