He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
