i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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